It has been well established within the psychological realm that fear-based thinking and a need to feel in control are deeply intertwined.

In the last few months, I have pondered a lot about fear-based thinking, and how that affects my decision-making. In particular, I have been feeling “stuck” about what to do next in my career and have felt it difficult to believe in myself. It seems that no matter where I turn, I can’t find a clear next step toward my long-term goals and aspirations. At first, I chalked this up to the old mental framework of “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” I am a single-income provider, after all, and changing careers for someone like me feels daunting, and even risky.

I decided to take a look at this, because I generally do not consider myself to be a fearful person. I’ve done things in the past that I’m proud to say were courageous or bold given my circumstances. Why, then, does it feel so difficult now to picture myself taking the next step in my career, and ultimately, my life?

As I sat with this notion of fear, I started to tease out the root of what was really bothering me. After a while, it became clear that what I really feared was a perceived loss of control over the status quo. For the moment, I have successfully white-knuckled my way through learning the ins and outs of an industry I didn’t know anything about four years ago, all while maintaining control of my composure in the face of some formidable personal issues. I realized that to fear change was to fear the loss of perceived control over my sanity in the face of my current situation.

One research paper describes that fears of losing control may present themselves in association with different domains. People may become concerned that they will lose control over their emotions; this concern could be in association with ‘too much anxiety’ or ‘too much anger’, although could also manifest itself more broadly wherein an individual may become concerned that they will lose control over all of their emotions and ‘go crazy’¹.

Without getting into too much detail, I felt this notion resonate with me as I took a step back and evaluated just how angry I had become with myself and with the world in recent months. I realized that I pride myself in my ability to internalize pervasive feelings of anger and frustration while carrying on in my daily life. I’ll tell myself, “There’s a lot of love around, too, just focus on that,” and control my anger by stuffing it down into a teeny, tiny little box.

Now, what the heck does a deep-seated anger issue have to do with fear of switching jobs and losing control? When I think about it, it’s not so hard to connect the dots. I am fearful of breaking under the weight of my anger, and in order to keep up appearances, I need to stay in control of my environment. Changing my environment means giving up control of what I know to be tried and true in the present moment. Giving up control makes me scared.

Heading into 2025, I have started to consider the ancient wisdom of the stoics (much thanks to Ryan Holiday’s The Daily Stoic.) The first passage described aptly corresponds to January 1^st, and reads:

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…”

–Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5

I’ve decided: I don’t want to live in fear of the unknown anymore. As I sit here grappling with a whirlwind of personal struggles, I don’t want to be afraid of what it will look like to be a little bit scared of what comes next. I no longer want to be fearful of fear. I want to beg the question, “What happens if I focus on me, instead of what’s going on around me?” How will I ever know how things can be different if I don’t give myself the opportunity to rise to the occasion amid the unknown?

Maybe it won’t be so bad. What I know now, though, is that something has got to change.

Reference:

1. Radomsky, A. S. (2022, September 9). The fear of losing control. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005791622000465