There is so much I wish I could have done differently as a young woman.

A big part of raising up competent humans in today’s world is the importance of teaching restraint and humility. We are imbued in a culture that celebrates placing our most private moments on full public display. At the same time, we seem to have lost what it’s like to have sovereignty over our personal lives. I think it is because we are confusing what it means to be truly connected with having a virtual popularity contest.

We are taught to “be vulnerable” and to “have a voice.” I agree that both of these sentiments are important, and warrant consideration as we grow stronger as a people. At what point, though, did we tip the scale to where every single thought, action and opinion becomes so irrevocable that they are liable to be judged, appraised and even mocked by total strangers?

This new way of being creates an atmosphere of having to construct a persona which is totally free from error; lest you will face the wrath of people you don’t even known who live hundreds of miles away.

In my case, I was lucky to have done most of my “fucking up” in the aughts of the information age, before reels and snapshots in time were documented more permanently for all the world to see.

What upsets me is that our culture is entirely ruthless about every misstep or unintended consequence of our actions. Young women and girls are slated to make mistakes, learn the hard way, and, let’s be honest… say and do stupid shit. These are necessary facets of growing up, but there is a problem in today’s world in which these hallmark moments no longer belong to us alone.

With everything being so easily documented thanks to the advent and accessibility of smart phones, we cannot simply learn from our mistakes an carry on like we used to. Now, every blemish on our journey becomes a permanent fixture on our reputational timeline.

This calls to mind how important it is, more than ever, to teach young people the importance of creating boundaries between our personal experiences, and how much access the world around us has to them. This is not to say that we cannot share our life events with close family and friends. We cannot stuff things down and keep them under lock and key. Instead, though, I feel like we have to stop treating our personal lives as public property.

I heard a phrase earlier this year that really stuck with me: “Other people should earn the right to know you. No one is entitled to being your friend.”

It brought to light this notion I held personally, which is that I had this perceived obligation to justify myself, my actions, and my opinions to others. As if I owed them something. As if I needed to defend every choice I made.

I realized after hearing this phrase, that this tendency I had was the product of feeling ashamed about mistakes I’ve made in the past. It doesn’t mean, though, that everyone I encounter now is entitled to knowing me, my choices, or my inner feelings about anything I do.

I wish that today’s young women and girls could believe this about themselves, too. Not only that, but more so that their life journey is no one else’s business. We should only ever feel compelled to share what we want to be seen. Even then, what we choose to share should be motivated by a true desire to connect and add value to the world–not to add to the echo chamber of toxicity that has become considerably more vast as the years go by.

It’s this sense of obligation that I think ignites so much shame for women today. Shame about not sharing enough. Shame over being imperfect. Shame in the face of trying to show up when we feel like it’s not good enough. How can we break the cycle of shame if we can’t stop feeling ashamed of ourselves?

I believe the answer is teaching the value of restraint. Privacy isn’t “gatekeeping” – it’s a right.

Further, learning to embrace humility over how we express ourselves is just as important. We cannot keep contributing to the endless conga line of chatter out of this perceived sense of social competition.

I’ve found, for me, that overcoming shame in today’s world looks a lot like doing the work in the quiet spaces away from prying eyes. I don’t need to publicly share every facet of my healing journey in order to bounce back from my shame. I can embody it, move through it, and share the nuggets of value I’ve found along the way afterward.

Because that is the beauty of sovereignty: we get to choose how we heal from shame on our own terms.

Let the public’s expectations be damned.