I feel sorry for the girl I was all those years ago.

She was misguided, misunderstood—an embarrassment, really. No one taught her any better one way or the other how to be kind, or how to act decent.

Everything I learned, I learned the hard way. I had to fall flat on my face and make a fool of myself multiple times before I figured out how to be in this world.

The problem was me. I didn’t know any better, but it all still came down to the choices I made as a young adult. I was given opportunities by people who saw something in me, and I stomped on most of them with a bad attitude and a victim mentality. If something went wrong, it wasn’t my fault. I lived for the “here and now,” never thinking of anyone or anything past the present moment. If it felt good, I did it. If it felt bad, I ran to avoid responsibility.

That’s what happens when traumatized people enter the real world without a way for them to regulate their emotions or take accountability for their actions. In my case, it was quite literally a shit show display of humankind.

God, what I would do if I had the chance to talk to the younger version of myself, now… I don’t even know what I would say. Honestly, I would probably want to avoid her and say, “She’ll have to figure it out,” which is pretty telling, isn’t it? Only because I know just how far she’d be willing to dig her heels in if I confronted her, though. But that’s exactly what I would do: shoot it to her straight, and tell her she’s being a numb skull who’s ruining her life just to hold on to 15 minutes of pleasure at a time.

Life is all about choices. I made the wrong ones over and over again. I don’t know how or why God didn’t give up on me, but he kept putting good people on my path who saw through all my bullshit and stuck with me anyway. I consider many of those same people extended family to this day, and I owe them so much. Without them, the light would have never shined on my eyes.

It took me a long time to learn how to see. There was so much I was blind to and never got the chance to understand, like the importance of doing something difficult that would pay yourself back in the long run, even if it didn’t feel good in the moment. Or, the importance of being honest and truthful with yourself even if it felt uncomfortable at first. Also, the value of cultivating real relationships with friends and colleagues that were built on kindness and authenticity. There are so many lessons I wish I could have learned at the time, and many more. I spent so long fumbling in the dark as a half-baked shell of a human.

It took a long time and a lot of mistakes, but ultimately I came around sometime in my twenties. I can’t overstate enough how much credit I owe to the people who believed in me along the way. God puts everyday angles in our lives, I think, and I am so grateful for the ones he stuck on me. My attitude problem dissolved eventually, and so did my aversion for speaking up for myself and having difficult conversations. I started to make a plan for my life, and held myself accountable to it even on the days I didn’t feel like I wanted to. My approach to life became more disciplined and curious instead of the typical impulsive and avoidant behavior I was used to.

And you know what’s so crazy beautiful about this whole ordeal? I was actually learning how to heal myself, and I didn’t even know it.

Deep down, I knew I felt broken and dysfunctional, though I never thought anything could be done about it. What I thought I was doing was learning how to cope with myself and act like a functioning member of society, but I never thought that “healing” was in the cards for me. The very concept of healing felt far-fetched and esoteric to someone like me, but little did I know…

And I won’t sit here any say to you that I’m a “fully healed” individual today, because I surely am not—I still have some work to do. The nooks and crannies of my heart and spirit still hold host to some dark corners I’ve been neglecting to tend.

What holds me back, honestly, is that same little girl who is still trying to feel good after spending so much of her life feeling bad.

I am not a perfect person, but I try hard every day to try and do right by my younger self. I will never pretend to have all the answers, but what I can say is what’s worked for me and what hasn’t over the years. In many ways, this space has become a platform for me to share my experiences with the world in hopes that it will reach those who can relate.

As for the girl who I once was: I hope that I don’t stay too hard on her for much longer. Everybody just wants to be loved, and so did she.

I can’t fault her for that.