~

None of this is what it was supposed to be

I wasn’t supposed to go through all of this alone

Now I’m broken and defective,

Working every day to repair what’s wrong with me

It’s been a long hard journey to this side

I suppose I should be proud

But I feel like an alien, here

Like I shouldn’t really belong

“Daddy Issues”

“Fucking spaz”

“Too desperate”

I’ve heard it all, and I guess I’m used to it

I’ve had no one to tell me anything different

Do I belong in your world, always wanting and never achieving?

Have I done enough to permit my passage here?

Will I ever be enough?

I don’t think it’s enough.

I want to feel whole in this world

But all I get are platitudes from those who want something from me

It’s not real

I’m just a big fucking phony

Just like how I was never really part of you

Or where I came from, too

I never had a place in your arms

But this isn’t my home, either

So I hit the road

And I keep on driving

The journey is comforting as long as I never arrive

A silent observer of others’ lives

And never really belonging

I suppose I’ll get used to it after all

To keep on pretending and hiding in plain sight

No one cares about my pain

So I try to stay silent

How long can I stay silent?

Will all that’s broken tear me apart

until I hit the wall screaming?

Wishing, waiting, hoping on a prayer…

That I’ll finally get there

Somewhere we belonged

always safe in your arms and never in doubt

that I was part of something whole and real

~

that’s what I would say to you

but I’ll never get the chance

~

so I’ll just keep on driving.